I don’t date. I don’t want to date. Apparently that’s odd. A few weeks ago a friend speculated on the reason. ”I thought maybe you switched teams.”
I think I laughed. It’s not easy to articulate my choice not to pursue — or at least hope for – a relationship. Not easy mostly because there are layers of reasons. We could peel back one only to find another, then another, then another.
Let’s start with a couple of facts. I find men attractive (but I’m not naming names). I like men and find conversation with them stimulating.
So what’s the deal with the ban on relationships?
Do the math. I’m 58 years old. I’ve been single for seven years. Before that, I spent 37 continuous years in one relationship or another. Think about it. I was in relationships from the age of 14 through 51. Enough, already.
Investing in me. I relish time to myself, time to grow into just me. I treasure my freedom, after all those years of being part of a couple. Investing in being a happy, healthy couple requires energy and time and dedication. I don’t regret the effort and I consider some of those relationships successful. I’m just ready to spend that effort differently, at long last. I want a relationship with myself before I die.
God is calling. I want a stronger relationship with God before I die. In some faith traditions, people are called to solitude, to contemplation, even to celibacy. I want as much of all three as is reasonable at this life stage. I may not always want those things to this degree, but today I do.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. Dysfunctional patterns are repeated in every key relationship I’ve ever been in. I’ve received help from people wiser and smarter and better trained than I am. I’ve come to understand relationship dynamics well enough to know that I’ll keep attracting the same dysfunctions in different packages. When I ventured out, briefly, into the world of over-50 dating, I realized that I was doing no better than I’d ever done — except that I was getting smart enough to walk away without spending years trying to heal something that wasn’t headed for healing. Today, I choose to work out my issues in relationships that aren’t sexual. It’s just as challenging but a lot less painful — not only for me, but for everyone.
Collateral damage. The available, age-appropriate men I run into tend to want commitment. I’ve learned that most don’t believe me when I tell them up front that I do not. In my wayward youth I toyed with men’s affections. Not today.
I get to keep my clothes on. Trust me. It’s better this way.
Or maybe the answer is simpler than I’m willing to admit. Maybe I’m saving myself for John Cusack.
(For more about age-appropriate men, see my poem “I’m saving myself for John Cusack” on the page Sex, Lies and Simple Truths on this blog.)
(Illustration courtesy of AkaraKingdoms)
Well the question arose from the fact there are several of us(by several I mean at least two of us) here amongst your fans who if we were not betrothed to another would be pursuing you. Whether we ever saw you in hot pants or not! You are a great spiritual & beautiful woman inside & out and your spiritual questions have always kept me thinking!
Jim, I loved the question and the self-reflection it prompted.
Oh, this is good. I can relate to so much that you’re saying. And isn’t it odd, when we decide it’s time to move on from that part of our lives when we’re seeking a partner to something else, that we need to explain to people why? In our culture, not to seek a sexual relationship is considered deviant behavior. In truth, for many of us it’s the healthier lifestyle choice.
Oh do I so relate to this. As always, my pal, you are spot-on! My reasons are some the same, and some different.
I’m 37 and have just decided on the ’single, not looking’ course of action, or inaction.
Men are idiots and the main reason I’m not gay (my fashion sense being a close second), but I’d fight you for John Cusack!